Anxiety Rising

I finally got my canteen and I have been eating a bunch of it.

I went to ACT. I had many more or one continuous anxiety attack.

Mrs. Shade sent me to the 11th floor. It is for the crazies.

They give me ativan and the attacks are going away and I sleep a whole bunch.

I have been on the 11th floor for four days now. I talked to the doctor here and I told her I am ready to go back. I even participated in a group. She called Mrs. Shade but she hasn't come up to see me.

It is Friday. Mrs. Shade came up and I get to go back tonight or Monday.

The doctor made sure I can go back tonight.

It is Saturday and I am back in ACT. They sent me back at 12PM. I am scared because the anxiety attacks are starting again. I hope they go away - if it is this Monday and I am still having the attacks I will try to hide them.

I've done a good job and no one suspects them.

It is Wednesday and they have pretty much stopped.

Off Lockdown

We are off lockdown. I couldn't exercise for two whole days. Turns out it wasn't MSRA after all. The girl had an ingrown hair under her arms. She is fine.

Today my walking buddy was taken to Stafford for court. Hopefully they will bring her back. I already miss her. I feel bad for her cause she will have to sit all weekend down there and it is not only a nasty jail but she is a snitch and she is scarred to be in jail down there.

I had two anxiety attacks yesterday. They were really bad ones. I walked them off. MY counselors thought I handled them well.

I am going to ACT on Monday. My days will be full then. I won't have to stay in my cell all day. But the good thing is after I finish the four months of ACT I should be released. My judge said to come back and see her after I complete ACT and she lets everyone go. It should happen in January. Last Xmas I spent at Demeter House treatment center. This year I guess I am staying in jail.

Bloggerwave

There is a new pay you to blog service out there. Based in Copenhagen and beginning operations in March of 2007, Bloggerwave is paying bloggers for writing articles about their advertisers. There are three categories of opportunity, Review, Buzz, and Opinion.

It looks like Bloggerwave caters to new blogs as in their FAQ they talk about what a blog is and how to set one up. It only took a few days for them to approve my blog. I'm new and there were three opportunities for me on the first day. They had an opportunity for Coke Zero (though it required video), for Bloggerwave itself, and for a company that provides database information on different companies.

Hotel Reservations

I'm once again looking out my window from my jail cell and thinking that there must be a better place to be staying than here in the Arlington County "Hilton". I do have a private room. I've got a window with a view.

I live like a Queen. I'm awoken each morning as the sun rises and brought my breakfast in bed. All I have and need is within a few feet of where I sleep. I have dozens of uniformed servants who attend to my every need. But still, I long for something else. Maybe something with a bit more freedom.

I want to tell you what I found in my quest for more. I found this website that offers Hotel Reservations and much more. They have hotels, motels, resorts, and more. They also have flights, cars, vacation rentals, vacation packages, and cruises. They offer what you need for beach hotels, family fun, gambling, golf, and spa.

When it comes to beaches, they have Corpus Christi from $69. Jacksonville from $69. Monterey from $100.

They have the Best Western Beachcomber Beach resort and hotel in St. Pete Beach, Florida from $89. The Resort Is Situated On More Than Five Acres Of Lush, Tropically Landscaped Gardens And Has Its Own Private Beach. Guests Can Unwind At The On-site Player's Sports Bar & Grille And Watch Sports On Three Wide-screen Televisions. This Resort Features Two Crystalline Pools Nestled Among The Expansive Gardens. Music Lovers Flock To The Live Music On The Adjacent Beach. Other Convenient Amenities Include A Small Fitness Room, Game Room, Wireless Internet Access And Guest Laundry.

The website also has a activities search that lets me know that if I am in the area what I can do. For instance for St. Petersburg the site tells me I can also visit Universal theme park as well as Busch Gardens, Seaworld, and other places I have not heard of such as Nature's World, Captain Memo's Pirate Cruise, and Wild Waters Park.

Try out the site now.

Walking Like A Caged Animal

My old roommate from general population got out last Saturday and now she is already back. She was out for three days and got picked up for drinking again. I see her in the other section with a really puffy face (from the alcohol) and walking like a caged animal.

Last night my new friend, April, made burritos using ramen noodles and cheese. She gave me one and it was good.

We have decided to treat each other every week with our food.

April is turning out to be a good friend. We walk an hour a day in the rec yard. And we talk a lot.

My Story, Part 3

My Story, Part 1, 2, 3

One thing I haven't mentioned was when I was about 12 I found myself fantasizing about women. Just wanting to be around them, not doing anything sexual. Just wanting to be good friends. I started to shy away from the other girls I thought were cute, ones I had infatuations about. I didn't know what or why I was having these feelings.

When I was 16 I read a book about Janis Joplin and I figured out I was a lesbian. I didn't know what to do about this. I kept seeing my boyfriend (who I didn't like sex with). We didn't drink or drug.

So I went to college and got married to my boyfriend. (I told him I was a lesbian and he said I'd grow out of it.)

I started working a job in the carpet industry as an industrial engineer and went to school nights.
I did really well at work and school. I kept getting promoted at work. My last promotion was to a department run by a man named Jeff. He introduced me to crank/crystal meth. We also had an affair. We would constantly go to clubs downtown drinking and drugging. I thought for the first time in my life that I belonged. But I still wanted women.

My Story, Part 1, 2, 3

My Story, Part 2

My Story, Part 1, 2, 3

After this first buzz I would sometimes find wherever my Mother's Dad was hiding his liquor and me and my brother would drink it. Sometimes I would also drink the beer that was in the tool shed refrigerator. But I would just only drink til I got a buzz, never enough to get drunk.

My Mother got cancer when I was a freshman in high school. She had surgery then got chemo and radiation. She never was exactly well after that. She had a remission period but was always sickly after that. I had to cook and clean after that and it didn't give me time for many extracurricular activities at school.

The last Christmas she was alive I was 17 and we went to my grandmother's house for Christmas eve. My uncle poured me a drink and I drank it and a whole lot more. I got really sick from the booze and stayed up all night. My Mother had been sleeping on the couch for days. She would sleep sitting up because she had lung cancer and couldn't lay down and not cough. We sat together and watched "The Trouble with Angels" a movie on TV. We talked and my mom was honest with me that she would die soon and I had to go on to college and have a good life.

She died in the middle of January (the 17th). I had to pick out the coffin, arrange for the service and pick out clothes for my Mother to wear. I had to go shopping for my brother so he would have something to wear to the service. My aunts helped me. My Dad couldn't be bothered.

After my Mother died my Father started coming to my door and scratching on it to try and get me to open up. It scared me. So I moved in with one of my cousins to get me through high school. I graduated with a 3.9 GPA.

That summer I spent with my Aunt in Florida. They owned a fishing camp with a boat, cabins, and some convention store.

My uncle taught me to drink beer. I got drunk a couple of times.

When fall came I went to my grandmother's and started college.

My Story, Part 1, 2, 3