Anxiety Rising

I finally got my canteen and I have been eating a bunch of it.

I went to ACT. I had many more or one continuous anxiety attack.

Mrs. Shade sent me to the 11th floor. It is for the crazies.

They give me ativan and the attacks are going away and I sleep a whole bunch.

I have been on the 11th floor for four days now. I talked to the doctor here and I told her I am ready to go back. I even participated in a group. She called Mrs. Shade but she hasn't come up to see me.

It is Friday. Mrs. Shade came up and I get to go back tonight or Monday.

The doctor made sure I can go back tonight.

It is Saturday and I am back in ACT. They sent me back at 12PM. I am scared because the anxiety attacks are starting again. I hope they go away - if it is this Monday and I am still having the attacks I will try to hide them.

I've done a good job and no one suspects them.

It is Wednesday and they have pretty much stopped.

Walking Like A Caged Animal

My old roommate from general population got out last Saturday and now she is already back. She was out for three days and got picked up for drinking again. I see her in the other section with a really puffy face (from the alcohol) and walking like a caged animal.

Last night my new friend, April, made burritos using ramen noodles and cheese. She gave me one and it was good.

We have decided to treat each other every week with our food.

April is turning out to be a good friend. We walk an hour a day in the rec yard. And we talk a lot.

My Story, Part 1

My Story, Part 1, 2, 3

I was born at Fort McPherson in Atlanta, Georgia. I grew up in a middle class family. My Dad was a postman and my Mother stayed at home. I had a brother Chuck, who was 2 years younger. We lived in the suburbs of Atlanta.

My Mother always told me I wasn't good enough. She was always comparing me to the other girls in the community. She called me "backward" a lot which I guess is true because I have always been an introvert.

My parents didn't drink and there was never any alcohol in the house.

As far as alcoholics in my extended family go I had one grandmother (Dad side) of the family and two grandfathers that drank to excess. My Father's brother was a big alcoholic as well as two uncles on my Mom's side as well as one of my Mother's sisters. I guess you can say I come by alcoholism naturally.

When I was 12 or 13 my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. My relatives were celebrating with pink champagne. I got a glass. that was leftover and this was my first drink. I drank maybe three leftover cups and I got my first buzz.

My Story, Part 1, 2, 3

My Friend April

Today is Saturday. I slept til 11 am. On Saturdays and Sundays we get to sleep in. Then we watch movies. This unit is so much better than General Population.

Today I learned how to play rummy. I found it to be pretty boring. I like poker better.

I started my canteen requests today. I have to stop ordering so much stuff. I ordered ramen noodles, a hair removal cream, and a comb. I also got a bag of pretzels and some oatmeal.

I walked for over an hour today with my new friend April. She is also in here on a DUI charge as well as a possession charge. She is a lesbian (as I am) and has a girlfriend she is desperately afraid will dump her - They met each other in jail and have been together for four years. The girlfriend Lisa has done three years in prison.

It scares me that most of the women here keep coming back to jail. We have 14 people in the community and only two of us have never been to jail. I think I will kill myself before I come back to jail.

Well its 6:30 pm and time to lock down.

Four Weeks of Monarch

I feel really strange today. I am feeling anxious and nervous I am thinking about the past too much.

We had a fight in the women's general population the other night. They shut the whole jail down when that happens. Fortunately it was at night so just went to sleep.

In our unit the other night a girl had one of her pictures picked up and destroyed (tearing it into little pieces and throwing it in the trash.) So we got locked down because no one would own up to it. The deputy thinks it was the girl who tore up her own picture.

Then we to a group of really young (early 20's) girls who sit and joke and make fun of people both in and out of the meetings. They are especially cruel to some of the women who bring Alcoholics Anonymous meetings into the unit. So we all got a long lecture on behaving properly yesterday. - Then we went to another group and they started acting out again. I just hope only they get in trouble instead of the whole unit.

Well, I have completed four weeks of Monarch (comes before ACT) now. Only four more to go. They say when you hit ACT time really goes by fast. I hope so.

Looking out my window

Today I am really feeling like I'm not going to make it in here. My mind is still foggy from the alcohol and I know I need about 6 months of uninterrupted sobriety to stay sober when I get out. I'll probably have eight or nine months when I get out of here. That is a good amount of time to have under your belt. Still when I think of the time it seems so overwhelming.

Three people are about to leave and go home. So we have three new people in. One of them likes to read so we have been exchanging books.

I tried to call my cousin Robert, but he does not answer the phone. He hasn't come by for a visit since a week ago yesterday. He was going to Atlantic City the past weekend. I hope nothing is wrong.

I've been looking out the window a lot. I'm not keen on the summer months, the heat always bothers me but fall is coming and I like the fall. There really aren't any trees in my view so I won't get to see the changing of the weather. At least I'll be able to see the snow in the winter. Hopefully I will be out in February.

Another Day in Paradise

Well today I got in trouble for not having a bra on. I hate wearing bras but I have been wearing one on & off. The trouble today was I was washing it. Still they are going to try and get me another one from property. There are no men anywhere in sight so I don't know what the big deal is.

I am feeling especially nervous today. I try to put things in perspective but it doesn't work. I have to do 8 weeks in Monarch then 4 months of 16 weeks in ACT. Then it will take me another 3 weeks to get out of here. So far I am on the 3rd week so I will be 1/2 way through Monarch at the end of next week. Then after I do 1 month in ACT I will be 1/2 way through.

I haven't cried since I have been here. They are making me write an autobiography which is the same as telling your story. Considering all the treatment centers I have been through I have written an autobiography many times & it usually drives me to tears. This time it is like I am just over it, like I have no regrets.

Today is Monday so we just finished the weekend. The weekends here are pretty good cause you get to sleep in til 11:00 am both days. We have only a couple of groups & they bring in movies to watch. They don't do that in general population.

Anyway its just another day in paradise.

Entering the Act Unit

I am now in the "ACT" unit of the jail. The "ACT" unit is a drug/alcohol treatment center in the jail. So now I not only have the rules of the jail to follow, but I also have the rules of the unit to follow.

I am not in the "ACT" program now. For eight weeks I have to be in the "Monarch" program.

Basically in Monarch you don't go to many groups & you have to stay in your room a lot.
After 3PM we get to usually spend a couple hours in the rec area.

In the rec area I ride the bike and walk. I try to ride the bike for at least an hour (broken down into (2) 30 minutes sessions or (3) 20 minute sessions.) Exercise has always calmed my nerves & I have been a little nervous lately.

There are 9 people on the unit (includes me.) 5 are in "ACT" & 4 are in "Monarch." It is a lot more quiet down here. We don't do shut downs too much. We have our own rooms or cells.

My biggest problem right now is I just can't fathom being here 7 or 8 more months. It is very overwhelming & I try to do this one day at a time but my mind keeps on thinking about all the time I have left. I am an emotional wreck.

Will I drink again?

I have a roommate. In general population everyone has a roommate. We sleep on bunk beds. My roommate is 37, white, and even though she says she has never had a felony she has spent a good part of her life in jails. She is an alcoholic (just like me.) She is homeless and doesn't even have an ID of any sort. She panhandles for money. Let's call her Jane.

Jane is locked up this time for drinking in public. She has to serve 90 days. When on the streets if a cop from Arlington County sees her they automatically give her a breathalyzer & if she blows anything they take her to jail. The cops all know her. She has been banned from Ballston Mall here in Arlington County. She apparently is a mean drunk. The reason I am writing about her is the minute she gets out she will drink. That's what she dreams of, a cigarette and a beer, knowing the cops will take her back to jail.

I just don't know why she will drink knowing she will just have to go back to jail. Will this be me as well? Will I drink knowing I will have to serve 2 more years? I don't want to spend more time here, this is driving me crazy. I pray I won't drink again.

How Jail Is

I wasn't sure what I thought jail would be like. I sorta thought it would be old and dirty and the women would fight a lot and they might beat me up or rape me or something.

But it isn't like that. The jail is clean and new and the women sometimes argue among themselves sometimes coming close to blows but never getting there. I have come in contact with a couple who were downright mean and I wanted to hit cause of the mean things they said to me.

Still a lot of the women are OK to me, usually nice. I don't usually eat everything on my trays (meals) & I make friends by giving things away.

Today for whatever reason they kept us locked down (in our cells) for most of the day. It’s been this way all week. I sit and read. I can read a book & some more every day which is bad cause they only let us go to the library once a week & you can only get 4 books at a time. I reread them after I finish them. My dreaded fear is that I will not have anything to read & be stuck with my own faults for days on end. I spend enough time thinking about how bad I have screwed up my life. It makes me think about killing myself even more.

Six Weeks

Well, here I am at the Arlington County jail. I have been here for six weeks now. It really doesn't seem that long in some ways but every day seems to last forever.

I am here cause I got my 3rd DUI in 5 years. I almost didn't pick up the charge because I only blew a .08. The possible sentence for this was 6 months to 5 years. I got a year. My sentence was a lot worse than my lawyer thought it should be. I have to admit to being shocked over it.

I thought they might send me to the penitentiary but the judge wants me to do a treatment program in the jail called ACT. (What it stands for I don't know). I might get out a little early if I complete the program. I've been told that if I don't complete the program I might do the extra two years that were suspended. I am scared I won't be able to complete the program cause of something I screw up & lately I have trouble completing things.

I stay in fear lately. My stomach stays in knots. I worry I won't be able to make it the year. (I contemplate suicide.) I worry about what life will be on the outside as a convicted felon. I usually wish I had killed myself before I came in here.

Central Park is Closed

I try to exercise here in the jail. One of the things I do is walk. We do not have access to anything that is outside in the open air. Even our basketball court is inside the high rise. There is a section of chain link fencing near the top of the outer wall that is open to the outside of the building, but there is no way to even experience life outside the walls.

So, when I walk for exercise, I walk inside. All of the female deputies are OK with this. But we have this one male guard who will not let me walk. When I try to walk he tells me Central Park is closed.

Yesterday I was not able to make any phone calls. We were on lockdown all day. There was something wrong with one of the door locks so they just shut us up all day.

Commissary

Today was commissary day. Yesterday some people went to the library, but I didn't get a library slip. That is about all here is to the week except for TV, meals, and sleep. Jail is boring.

Next week I should be moving to the other side so I can start my ACT classes and begin to get out of here in a few months.

My head is not fuzzy

I have a rash on my face. It is embarrassing. I get this when I am nervous. I am filled with anxiety and despair. It's bad depression, but somehow not as bad as when I was on the anti-depression drugs. They won't give me my regular medications in here.

My head seems clearer, not as fuzzy as when I am taking my meds. Maybe I should not take my meds any more ever. I like my head being clear. I just wish my anxiety would go away. What I really want is to die.

Ready for ACT

I learned today that I will not get transferred into the ACT progam until Monday, July 23, which is more than a week away. The ACT program will be substance abuse treatment for my DUI, then I will be able to ask the judge to get out of jail once this is over.

Still I have to wait a week with almost nothing to do. I stayed in bed all day today. I can't sleep, but I stayed in bed.

Books and TV

The main way to spend my time in jail is to read books and watch TV. Yesterday I read four books. Today I fight with other inmates over which channel to watch on TV. Whoever get sto the TV first controls it. I don't get to watch what I wish very often.

There is nothing to do here. It is very boring. Jail is a punishment of isolation where we are sent as punishment. The slice of time taken from our lives, in my case nearly a year, is our punishment. At least that is the traditional view. TV, books, excersize equipment and more is used as a way of keeping the peace and controlling us. Being here is the punishment.

Then there is another school of thought that suggest we are not sent here AS punishment, but rather we are sent here FOR punishment. I do not need more torture. Being here is puishment enough.

Accepted into the ACT Program

I had my interview and now I am accepted into the ACT program here at Arlington County Jail. Soon I will be moving into the other women's unit. This means that when I finish the program I can ask the judge to let me out of jail "early".

I've been told my judge sentences everyone this way and forces them to go to the ACT program.

Four Weeks

Today, Friday makes four weeks that I have been in jail. One of the gretaest problems I face is the uncertainty of when I get out and what will happen to me then. I'm here for a DUI. It's my third one in less than five years.

My actual sentence is a year. But I think I can get out earlier. I don't really know. I was told that if I woudl complete an in jail substance abuse program, called ACT, I can see the judge again. Presumably that means I can get released earlier. The ACT program is four months.

After being here for four weeks I have not been interviewed to be in the ACT program. For the first two weeks or so my case worker kept telling me he had no paperwork to indicate I should go to ACT. Now at least they have found my card. But still no interview.

So far I have moved from the medical unit to the main women's unit. I've not been allowed to go to any classes or Bible studies. I've not been able to get my interview for ACT.

Maybe they will not ever let me out. I'm really worried.

Visit From Tiffany

Tiffany came by to see me today. She is not a visitor, but she is from the county. I was going to one of her groups before I came to jail. I like Tiffany. Of the various therapists I have dealt with over the last 10 years, she is the best I have had.

I'm not sure why Tiffany came by. I don't think it was for an interview for me to get into ACT. She says she has nothing to do with ACT and cannot help me get into it. Tiffany told me I should get into the ACT progam, finish ACT, and get out of here.

Someone from the ACT program told me they would be giving me an interview this week. I hope that the holiday does nto mess that up. Friday will make a month I have been sitting here waiting to get into ACT.

Credit Card Due

I hought I had paid all of my credit card bills. It turns out there is one I did not take care of. Apparently I made a $5.02 purchase at CVS a few days before I went to jail. Now I owe money.

I don't have any money to pay the bill, nor do I have any way to pay the bill if I had the money. I'll get a late fee on my credit card and if it continues, I'll owe hundreds when I get out.

I don't have stamps. I don't have much of anything.